Pivotal People
Join us in conversations with inspiring people doing amazing things. Their insights and experiences help motivate all of us to find our purpose that fits with our abilities, gifts and life situation. Get a "behind the scenes" look at successful people making a difference in the world and benefit from their advice for the rest of us. Our guests include authors, artists, leaders, coaches, pastors, business people and speakers.
Pivotal People
Finding Life-Giving Rhythms for a Happier Life with Debra Fileta
What if you could avoid burnout and discover a profound sense of joy? Don't we all want that?
Join us as we sit down with Debra Fileta, a licensed professional counselor and author of "Soul Care: Find Life-Giving Rhythms, Live Restored, Avoid Burnout, and Discover Unspeakable Joy." Debra shares her insights into soul care, a transformative approach to mental and emotional health that goes beyond traditional self-care. Drawing inspiration from the life of Jesus, she introduces us to six life-giving rhythms that promise a holistic path to well-being.
We really dig into the roots of anxiety and burnout, exploring why these issues seem more widespread today. Debra sheds light on how misguided theology, family dynamics, and personality types like firstborns or those from chaotic backgrounds can lead to patterns of self-neglect.
We also discussed the overall balancing of physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Debra offers practical advice on hydration, nutrition, rest, and the power of saying no to protect one’s energy.
Connect with Debra: https://debrafileta.com/
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I'm so excited about our next guest. I'd like to introduce you to Deborah Folletta. She is a licensed professional counselor, specializing in dating, marriage and relationship issues, along with the spectrum of mental health disorders and issues. She's also the author of seven books, all the kinds of books we love to read. These are the names of her books True Love, dates, choosing Marriage, love in Every Season Are you Really Okay? Married Sex Reset. And her new book is called Soul Care and Soul Care. The tagline is find life-giving rhythms, live restored, avoid burnout and discover unspeakable joy.
Speaker 1:And if you've been listening to my podcast for a while, you know that I have a little rule I would never have an author on the podcast without reading their book. So I'm going to confess I've read her book twice. I'm giving it to my friends for gifts. This is a popular topic but with all of Debra's experience, she has really given it a fresh look. And she is also a podcast host.
Speaker 1:I've listened to a number of her podcasts. It's really neat because what she does is almost like a call-in show, where real people with real issues call in and she walks them through what would really be a counseling session. And if you need a counselor and I think we all do. She also has a fabulous counselor network on her website that anyone can take advantage of, and I know I have probably missed something. She's a speaker. I told her at the beginning, though I want to include this one paragraph on her website, and if you read her books, you know this is who she is. Before anything else in her life, deborah Folletta is a woman in love with Jesus, and that love has been the driving motivator propelling her forward in her pursuits as a wife, a mother, a licensed professional counselor pursuits as a wife, a mother, a licensed professional counselor, a speaker and an author. So I will be quiet for a minute and just let Debra enlighten us with her wisdom.
Speaker 2:Debra thank you so much for being here. Yeah, it's so good to be here with you.
Speaker 1:I can't believe you read my book twice already. That's incredible, oh my gosh. I have highlighted. I have little post-it notes. It truly is such a practical book for everyone. You start out talking about the statistics in our country about increasing anxiety and burnout, so could you talk about that a little bit, just to help people set up what? You're talking about here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as Christians, when we look at God's call on our life, jesus tells us that he wants us to be a light that shines brightly, and I think the very opposite of that is a light that's been burnt out. You know, we sing that song in second grade about this little light of mine, and then we say won't, let Satan fit out. But the irony is that so many Christians are feeling burnt out, their light has been snuffed, and I do think that's the greatest tactic of the enemy is to keep our light flickering so softly or be completely snuffed out. And so the whole goal of soul care is for us to remember that, in order for us to do all that God has for us, we have to be filled, and it's when we're empty that we start to feel all of these symptoms, from fatigue to irritability and tension, to aches and pains in our body, to increase depression and anxiety.
Speaker 2:I've written a lot about mental and emotional health, but I really believe that soul care is the prelude, it's the preventative maintenance before we get to that point where we break down. Just think about driving your car on the highway and all of a sudden you start to see all the dash lights going off and all the signals, and I think that's often what happens with our body. But instead of pulling over and addressing the signals, we push through. We judge ourselves, what's wrong with me, why do I feel this way, why can't I get it together? And we just push through until we reach the point of something breaking. And so the goal of soul care is to help us address how full are we, how healthy are we, and what can we do to remain filled so that we can continue to pour out.
Speaker 1:One of the things I really liked about your book is that. The first so we're talking about soul care. I'm like what's the difference between soul care and self-care? But Debra will explain that. But the book really talks about six life-giving rhythms. I like how you describe that. That parallel how Jesus lived and what he. He was fully God but fully human and how he managed to take care of his whole self not just his body but his whole self in order to be able to fill other people you talk about.
Speaker 1:You know, it's so easy just to have those six life-giving rhythms and have a how-to book on how to address each of those issues. But the first five chapters of your book and this is how you can tell it's written by a counselor is you want to get to the why? We're all in a different place and we each have a different reason. But Deborah says you know, if we don't get to the why, you can do all the fixes you want, but it's just going to keep rearing its ugly head. So I really appreciate your investment in telling us to invest in understanding and being self-aware. So could you talk about the whys? Why do you think we have this kind of anxiety and burnout in our country. Do you think it's more now than ever?
Speaker 2:It's hard to know if it's more now than ever, because we definitely have more conversations about it, more posts about it, more things on Instagram about it than ever before. Sometimes I wonder if in the past it got so bad that it just manifested as physical ailments, when really it was emotional and mental ailments underneath the surface. We just didn't know any better. So you know, to me, whether or not it's more now or not, the goal for us is to address it in our own lives and be aware of it and have insight and understanding. The Bible says in Proverbs 20, verse 5, the purposes of a person's heart are like deep waters, but a person of insight draws them out, and so we are deep waters. Our motivations are deep waters, the purposes of our heart are deep waters, and understanding why we do what we do is paramount to change. You know, you could just start to practice these six rhythms all you want, but if you don't get to the root of the why, why am I always burnt out? Why do I say yes to everything? Why do I feel guilty resting? Why do I have a hard time setting boundaries and saying no? Why do I take on more than my fair share? Why is my plate always overfilled and my schedule crammed and I end the day feeling extremely depleted. If we don't get to the root of our why, we're going to keep repeating patterns of our why we're going to keep repeating patterns. And I think part of the why, for sure, is our misguided theology. I think oftentimes we think that it's a Christian's job to be empty and just pour out continuously and just give and focus on everybody else but ourselves. But that's not biblical and in fact, in order to pour out, we have to be filled. John 10 10, Jesus says that it's the enemy who comes to steal and kill and destroy. That's the enemy, but it's God's will for us to be filled. Jesus talks about life abundant. In other translations it says life in all of its fullness. And we talk about knowing God's love so that we can be filled. We talk about the fullness of being filled with the Holy Spirit. So why is it that so many Christians are feeling empty? And I think number one, it's misguided theology. Number two, I think it's hurts and dysfunctional belief systems from our family of origin. It's things that we've learned along the way, roles that we've carried from childhood, that we carry today that aren't aligned to God's will for our life.
Speaker 2:When I did my podcast series, I did a soul care series recently on my podcast. My podcast is called Talk to Me. Like you said, it's a hotline style, so people were calling in to talk about the different rhythms that they struggled with in soul care and we tried to get to the roots of why. And it was really interesting.
Speaker 2:Three different personality types came to the surface of people who struggle the most with soul care and specifically with knowing their needs. And the first personality type were the firstborn children, the good kids, the ones who are so focused on pleasing their parents. In counseling we say that behind every people pleaser was once a parent pleaser, and so it's those. Firstborns are overly responsible, they take more than their fair share and they're trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy and kind of just be all things to all people. And it's easy for those type of people to put their needs on the back burner and focus on everybody else's needs. So so many firstborns actually called in, so that was really interesting. I dedicated the book I'm a firstborn and I dedicated the book Soul Care to my daughter, who's a firstborn, and I see some of these tendencies in her to kind of fill in the gaps for her brothers.
Speaker 2:And then the second personality type were people who came from a family where there was some level of chaos or someone else in the family had higher needs. Maybe it was a child with a disability or a rebellious child. You know, like I think of the prodigal son story, and then there's the firstborn and then there's the rebellious child who goes off and does this thing and sometimes when that's in your family, you feel like well, there's so many other needs here and there's so much stress and everybody's stressed out, so there's no room for my needs here. Everyone has higher needs. So I'm going to have lower needs to kind of balance out the family dynamic. And we don't do this consciously, but that's what ends up happening, is we become people with low needs, we ignore our needs.
Speaker 2:The third personality type were people who came from a family where mom or dad were emotionally unavailable. So a word that came up often in my interviews, my hotline calls were people who said mom was frazzled, which I thought that was a really interesting word, like overwhelmed, stressed, just just, there's too much on her plate. So if I'm a child with needs and I go to mom and she's frazzled, like she's overwhelmed. She doesn't have any bandwidth for my needs, so then I can't give her my needs. Go to dad maybe he's overwhelmed or he's distant or apathetic or drunk or workaholic or unavailable for some reason, and so I go to him and dad's not available.
Speaker 2:So then what do I do with my needs? I ignore them, I stuff them or I figure out how to deal with them myself, and so it's interesting to see those three personality types, and some people even check off all three. It's like, yep, that was me in all three ways. And so you can only imagine, when you come from that background, in your family of origin, you don't even notice how good you are at ignoring, suppressing your needs, at turning off the signals, pretending they're not really going off, focusing on everybody else, not focusing the dash lights might be going off on my car, but I'm just so focused on everybody else that I'm ignoring mine until I break down. And that's why these people especially have a higher tendency to get to that point where they're not caring for their souls and they're not doing well.
Speaker 1:And so in your book you kind of address people at all different levels. I encourage everyone to go to her website and take this soul care quiz, because she asked the question in the book where are you on a scale of one to 10 in terms of feeling full, like as if you were a gas tank and Debra, would you mind I loved in your book? Could you give us some of your adjectives that went along with being full and adjectives that went along with being empty, for people to really understand how you're defining this?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, when I think of feeling full, I think of energy, I think of creativity. I think of energy, I think of creativity, I think of bandwidth, I think of margin, I think of joy and peace and living life out of my overflow. I have extra. You know, I'm full, I feel good, I can pour out, I have motivation and drive to pour out, whereas when I think of emptiness, I think of feeling depleted, low energy, difficulty concentrating brain fog, feeling like there's too much on my plate, feeling overwhelmed, a lot of tension in my relationships. People who tend to be empty have a lot more tension in their relationships because they have nothing to pull from to fuel their relationships. They're drawing from empty. And so, you know, it's one of those things where I start the book asking if 10 is the most filled and zero is empty, where are you? What number would you give yourself? And I think it's an assessment that we have to give ourselves on a regular basis. It's not just once and done. Today I'm a nine and I'm going to be a nine perpetually. It changes. And yeah, at deborahfaletacom F-I-L-E-T-A slash soul care quiz is a free quiz that you can take.
Speaker 2:It's an assessment that asks you a few questions, takes a few minutes, and then it will tell you which of the six rhythms that you're probably struggling with the most or neglecting the most. When I think of us as a tank, I think of we're leaking somewhere. There's energy leaking somewhere, and maybe the place where it's leaking the most is the best place to start plugging up the holes. You know, if I'm going to actually do some work here, it's like, well, which of the six rhythms do I start with? You don't want to start with all of them. I always joke like you don't want to burn out, trying not to burn out like, okay, what am I going to do first? But maybe start where you're weakest, because I think that will have the greatest amount of impact in your life. So if you want to know where you're the weakest, check out that free quiz.
Speaker 1:Would you mind going over what the rhythms are?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we'll do a quick overview.
Speaker 1:And then we'll dig into one.
Speaker 2:Okay, that sounds great. So the first rhythm is the rhythm of nourish, and it's first only because it's the first one I recognized, and it's the idea of taking care of your physical body through nutrition, hydration and movement. There's a whole chapter for each of those things. But not only do we talk about the psychology, science and neurology of all of these things, but also how we see them played out in the life of Christ, which was the most fascinating to me. Never thought about Jesus hydrating, but sure enough, when he was wearied and tired from his journey, he stopped in Samaria. The disciples went to get food and Jesus sat down and said will you give me a drink? Okay, he was acutely aware of his needs and didn't ignore them.
Speaker 2:And while I believe that interaction had far greater purposes for the Samaritan woman, we can't ignore the humanity of Christ. You know, and I think sometimes we neglect the nourishing of our body. We eat junk, we don't hydrate and we don't move our bodies at all. So the serotonin and dopamine and all the chemicals that should be flowing through our body are inhibited and we crash at the end of the day and we're like it's spiritual warfare, satan's attacking me. Well, it might not be a demon. It might just be dehydration. And you have totally self-sabotaged, like maybe the devil's sitting back saying you're doing a great job on your own, I don't need to step in here. You're self-sabotaging. We cannot go to Judea and Samaria and the ends of the earth when our body is sick and tired from our own neglect. So nourish is the first section.
Speaker 2:The next rhythm is about rest and it talks about how Jesus took naps and you know Jesus had a. He paced himself. So it's not just about sleep and naps. There's a whole chapter about the science and psychology of sleep, but also about rhythms of rest, living a life with a pace, a healthy pace, not hustle, hustle, hustle, grind, grind, grind, because that's not how Jesus lived. So it kind of assesses our rest and sleep, but also a rest-filled life.
Speaker 2:Then there's the rhythm of connect. That talks about life-giving relationships, healthy relationships versus unhealthy relationships. It talks about how Jesus invested in friendship and how he had give and take relationships. We often think of Jesus as giving in relationships, but he also asked for things and received from his friends. So just that section really helps us analyze how we're getting filled through healthy friendships or depleted through unhealthy friendships.
Speaker 2:Then there's the section of protect, which talks about setting healthy boundaries and how Jesus protected his calling. He protected his heart, he protected his energy. He said no, and not yet on a regular basis. He was so clear on what God had called him to that it was really easy for him to say no to everything else. He wasn't motivated by the obligation of man. So, learning to set boundaries and say no and just kind of take inventory of how we're doing with that protection, those boundaries.
Speaker 2:There's the rhythm of savor, which is about slowing down, being present to savor and enjoy life, being mindful of this life that we've been given in these moments, and not being distracted by the worries of the future or the regrets of the past or the distraction that we carry around in our phone, in our back pockets and by way of our phones and devices. So it talks about being present, it talks about gratitude and it talks about just enjoying life. And then the sixth rhythm is the rhythm of tuning in, and it's about being emotionally aware. What's going on underneath the surface of my life, emotional health, emotional intelligence, and the signals our body is sending us, past trauma. All of those things is wrapped up in the section called tune in which is probably the most advanced area.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say so. I would say it's probably the most foreign to people Like if nourish is like, okay, I get the importance of taking care of my body. I would say there's probably a lot less people who are aware of the importance of their emotional health and what that even means.
Speaker 1:And I said thank you so much for reviewing that, because I said we'll really dig into one. And as I'm listening to him like, oh, how do you pick just one, there is a quote I just want to. We won't dwell on the nourish piece it's one of my favorite topics, but I do think it's so interesting because you can get to the end of your day terrible. Oh, it must be my marriage. Oh, it must be my relationship with my friend. Oh, I feel terrible, and pretty soon, when really you just need to eat a sandwich.
Speaker 1:You are hungry, and it's like wait, I feel so much better after I eat. But what's really interesting is we kind of have this joke in our family. We have two grown sons. Anything could be happening in their life, anything and my husband will say the answer is drink more water. I mean, we just don't. He's not going to go too deep with you on feelings, but he does know you should drink water. But in your book you talk about the science behind this and I thought it was fascinating If you're only 2% dehydrated fascinating If you're only 2% dehydrated only 2%.
Speaker 1:It impairs your ability to focus and pay attention. It decreases your memory. It affects your judgment. It affects your movement. Your brain is made up of 80% of water. So if you're 2% dehydrated, you're talking about what you just said. You're self-sabotaging. The brain is the center of functioning. It controls our mood. One study showed that people who are hydrated had a 14% increase in reaction time compared to people who were not hydrated. So how? Dehydration impedes the production of serotonin in your body. You said that. So something as simple as saying okay, I think I can tackle this. Eating right, eating well, eating often enough. Let's not demonize food. Food fuels our body and drinking a lot that sounds pretty easy. Now I summed that one up so you don't have to spend time on it, although it's much more detailed. I just love that chapter. I want to ask if you could kind of elaborate on tune in, since that is the one that's most foreign to most of us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know our emotional health is so important. When the disciples asked Jesus what's the greatest commandment, he said love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and I really believe that is four quadrants, for a reason Heart represents our emotional health, soul our spiritual health, mind our mental health, strength our physical health. But how many of us actually focus in on those four areas? We tend to just fixate on the spiritual aspects without really focusing in on our emotional health. But emotions are a gift.
Speaker 2:Emotions are a signal. You know the Bible shares 39 different emotions that Jesus had and expressed through scripture. So we look at the emotions of Jesus and how he responded to the signals when he felt joy, when he felt sadness, when he felt sadness, when he felt anger, when he felt agony and sorrow, he didn't just ignore the emotions, he responded to them in healthy ways. So it's not the emotion that's bad or good, it's how we respond to these emotions when they come up. What do I do with anxiety when it comes up? It's a signal.
Speaker 2:What do I do with fear when it comes up? It's a signal. What do I do with worry or overwhelm or grief when it comes up? How do I deal with these things, and so in that section I talk through how Jesus navigated his emotions, but then we also talk about just our personal emotions, where they come from, what they mean, the formula that our beliefs lead to our feelings, which then lead to our behaviors, and unpacking some of these things, some of the beliefs that come from trauma rather than from God's truth, and why we might respond to emotions in an unhealthy way. So we really kind of get into what emotional health looks like, feels like, and how we can start to be more aware of that area of our life.
Speaker 1:So I promised Debra because she is so busy that I wouldn't keep her longer than half an hour, so unfortunately, our time is coming to a close. I hope that this has given you a taste of her wisdom and I would truly encourage everyone to get the book. And you have a really neat. I heard on your podcast a really neat program where she has supporters of hers, her launch team, randomly distributing 100 copies of her book to be found by someone, and you're encouraging people. I think this is neat. I'm going to do this to buy her book and to print a page from her website that you would put inside the book and to put it somewhere, because I always say, on this side of heaven, we never know what small acts, how they could impact someone's life. So we could do that, thinking perhaps someone who really, really, really needs this is going to randomly pick it up at the coffee shop where you left it Right or wherever you choose.
Speaker 2:Do you have any stories yet? We've got so many stories, but it's just been amazing. We've left 100 copies of Soul Care all across the country in all 50 states, and if you go to deborahfeladacom slash soul care, that's where you'll learn all about the book. We call it the book drop experiment and we've just left copies all over the country and it's been really cool to connect with people who find them. They find me on Instagram. There's a little note that you can print out if you want to be a part of the book drop experiment and you know, buy a copy for yourself, but also buy a copy for someone else and put in the little insert. Leave it, pray over it, leave it somewhere and it will tell the finder of the book how to connect with us and let us know that they found it.
Speaker 2:I left one in Disney Springs in Orlando, florida, and literally like 20 minutes later it was found by this woman who just started a new season of life where she's a wife of a pastor and in ministry for the first time in a new way and was just feeling overwhelmed and she felt like it was a God wink that's what she called it. Like God was, like this is for you Learn to care for your soul first. And she reached out, and it was just really cool to see all the different people that God has brought who found the book Now. Granted, there's going to be some that we never hear from, but knowing that we planted a seed somewhere and that one day in heaven we will know the impact that our obedience had as we learn to fill up our souls and encourage others to do so as well, and what I love about that story is the ripple effect there.
Speaker 1:If that pastor's wife can take care of herself and recognize that God calls her to do. That it's not selfish, then how many more people can she fill up, right? So and I'm going to just emphasize I didn't emphasize this enough in the beginning Deborah, her books are bestsellers. She's had seven. She has a successful counselor network. She has speaking gigs. She doesn't need us to buy her book, we need to buy her book. We need to buy her book. And when you tell this story, how wonderful would it be if we were to buy a book, and it would bless someone else's life. So I'm doing that. I love that. I will also say that on my show notes we'll have all of Debra's contact information. You can go to DeborahFalettacom, slash soul care and find a bunch of great resources. But there is a little tool they just added it to my podcast platform where you can send me a text message and the first five people who send me a text message I will order her book for you.
Speaker 1:So send a text message and say I need free soul care and it's coming to you. Please include your mailing address. That would make it a lot easier, but that'll be a fun way to get the word out too. So I've mentioned a few places to find you. Could you tell us, Debra, for people who aren't going to go to show notes, where can people easily find you, your podcast?
Speaker 2:Yeah, the easiest place is the website, debrafaletacom Again D-E-B-R-A-F-I-L-E-T-A DebraFaletacom. I'm also on Instagram, facebook, you know. I think it's called Threads all of those places. I spend my most time on Instagram, as far as like I will be the one there answering DMs, reading comments, and that's the one social media platform that I have committed to being a little bit more active and connecting with people. We have an amazing team of counselors that I lead and just reduced rate counselors scholarships, missionary scholarships, student scholarships so that there's no excuse if you need help along the journey of healing. We are a team of Holy Spirit filled but trained counselors, and I think that makes a huge difference. So if you need anything, you can find all the information on my website, deborahfeladacom.
Speaker 1:It's the perfect combination. Well, I want to thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to meet you face-to-face on Zoom and to read your book and to get to know you. It's been great, and now that I found your podcast, I'm listening to that. I listened to one yesterday and the gal felt like it was me, so it's like free counseling on our podcast, very fun. Well, thank you so much and I wish you the best of luck with this best selling book.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Thank you for having me.
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