Pivotal People
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Pivotal People
Beyond Perfect Parenting: Why 93% of Moms Need to Hear This Message
What if the greatest gift you could give your children isn't perfection, but authenticity? Mandy Arioto, CEO of MomCo (formerly MOPS), reveals a startling statistic: 93% of mothers feel pressured to be the perfect mom—yet none of us actually enjoy being around "perfect" people. This paradox sits at the heart of modern motherhood's greatest struggle.
From its humble beginnings with seven women in Denver in 1973 to now reaching over a million mothers in more than 100 countries, MomCo has become a global movement transforming motherhood through genuine connection. Arioto's journey with the organization began like many mothers—reluctantly attending a meeting at a friend's invitation, convinced "mom groups" weren't her scene. That single decision changed her life, eventually leading her to over a decade of leadership with the organization.
This year's powerful theme, "Make it Awkward," encourages mothers to embrace vulnerability rather than avoid it. Through her personal story about her father never expressing love verbally—a pattern he inherited from his own father—Arioto illustrates how avoiding awkwardness only makes things more awkward over time. When we choose to step into discomfort, we often discover transformation waiting on the other side.
Perhaps most refreshing is MomCo's counter-cultural message about what children truly need. "My kids don't need a perfect mom," Arioto explains. "They need a mom who loves them tremendously, who can apologize when she messes up, who models what it's like to be a real person in the real world." In our social media-saturated culture, she offers this wisdom: "You can consume, but don't let it be all-consuming."
Whether you're a new mom feeling overwhelmed by Instagram-perfect parenting standards or an experienced mother looking for authentic community, MomCo's approach offers a refreshing alternative to perfectionism. Their upcoming MomCon in Orlando (September 25-27) and new podcasts "Bloodline and Backbone" and "The Mandy Show" provide various ways to connect with this life-changing community.
Ready to find freedom from the perfect mom myth? Visit momco.org to find a group near you or follow Mandy on Instagram to learn more about embracing authentic motherhood.
Find Mandy for speaking events and more: https://www.mandyarioto.co/
Order Stephanie's new book Imagine More: Do What You Love, Discover Your Potential
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I'd like to welcome Mandy Arioto, the CEO of the organization called MomCo, to the Pivotal People podcast, and I told Mandy right before I started recording that I wasn't even going to say hello to her or tell her anything about how much I know about her, because I want you to hear it too. So Mandy is the CEO of this wonderful mothers organization and I've known about it for years because when I was a young mom, friends of mine had this organization in their cities and churches and I didn't. Let me tell you about MomCo. It is a nonprofit organization that encourages and equips moms of young children to realize their potential as mothers, women and leaders in relationship with Jesus and the local church. Let me tell you that in my speak.
Speaker 1:When I was a young mom, our church didn't have MomCo, but we did have a young mothers group and I started going to the young mothers group. I will be honest, it was a young mothers Bible study and I went because I wanted to make friends. If I had just wanted to study the Bible, I probably just would have stayed home to do that, but I went and I had a newborn baby and this was all new to me and I discovered a group of really close Christian friends. But, more importantly, I discovered a new relationship with God that I wasn't expecting. So MomCo started how many years ago, 1973, in Denver, where I am right now, with seven women who decided to get together and support each other through the motherhood journey, and today it gives me goosebumps.
Speaker 1:It is in 101 or more countries in 25 languages. It reaches over a million moms a year. They've counted about 72,000 meetings a year. These are that many women who are discovering a really supportive group of friends, all dealing with the same stuff at the same time. That is impacting future generations because they're learning how to be beautiful mothers. So I've said too much. That's why I'm excited that Mandy's here, because MomCo isn't done growing and you've got a really exciting conference coming up. By the way, I went to your conference last year and I just want you to tell us a little bit about yourself and let's really launch into what's new at MomCo.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was so fun having you at the conference last year. It was so great to be in Denver, in our hometown, and, yeah, just really fun to get to share that with everybody. And the thing I love about what you just shared about how mom co-started with seven moms is that they had no idea what it was going to turn into right. And so often in our lives it's like that one small choice, that one small beginning that we make with a couple of friends and we think, well, let's get together and then it turns into something bigger than we ever anticipated. And so I just love that about this organization and I love that it happens all the time in different cities and in different places around the world where moms gather and then incredible things happen because they said yes to showing up at a meeting, which is just really cool.
Speaker 1:That's really neat. So that was 1973. When did you get involved with MomCope?
Speaker 2:I was invited to at the time mops by a friend when my kids were little and I thought, oh, that's not really my scene, I'm not really a mom's group kind of gal. But I went because I love my friends and it turned into the best decision that I could have ever made because it completely changed my life. And then I've been at the organization for over a decade now.
Speaker 1:Wow, now isn my life and then I've been at the organization for over a decade now. Wow, now isn't that neat. Okay, let's talk about that for a minute. Mandy, your initial feeling like I'm not really a mom's group kind of gal, I could definitely understand that. So what was that? Because there are people listening to this now who are going to be like, yeah, I'm not really a mom's group kind of gal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally Right.
Speaker 2:So for me it was I don't really want to go on a Thursday morning and have coffee and do crafts and like talk about fluffy stuff, and that just didn't feel like.
Speaker 2:Also, women intimidate me sometimes, and so I'm like, oh, I'm not going to be interesting or I'm not going to have things to talk about or not going to be, you know, part of the in crowd, and so those are the lies and the beliefs that kept me from hanging out with lots of women or going to a group. And so when I showed up, I realized, oh, this is like actually what I have been longing for Real friends who get me and see me, other women who are going through the same things that I am and who are being honest about it, a way to talk about God in topics that I maybe don't feel comfortable talking about in other places. And so it just it was about confronting those beliefs and the preconceived ideas I had about what women's groups are all about, and showing up anyways, and then realizing that, oh, this is on me, this was me projecting things that were untrue. So, yeah, I just think sometimes we get stuck in beliefs that don't serve us well.
Speaker 1:Well, and also sometimes there are groups like that, the kind of group you are afraid of. So here's what I love about the mom code, and the name used to be MOPS, which is an acronym for mothers of preschoolers, but you reach so many mothers of different age children. You changed the name, I think, last year or the year before, so it's the mom code to embrace what it really is today. But I'll just be honest. One time I read an author who said this Sunday morning can be the most stressful time for some people, because you might feel like you have to have a certain image when you walk into church and you can't really be yourself. And when you're a young mom, oh, let's face it, as women it's so easy to compare ourselves to other people.
Speaker 1:I can remember as a young mom, there was the mom who was better at playing with her kids than I was. The mom who had six kids and I was overwhelmed with just two. The mom who never lost her temper. I mean, there were all these kinds of things that I find intimidating. And here's what I love about your organization. Let's talk about your theme. Your theme and this is what I love is make it awkward, and I want you to talk about the whole idea of make it awkward being vulnerable. You know authenticity these are words that are so overused right now, but they still mean so much to be able to walk into a group and be honest about what's really happening in our struggles with motherhood. So I'm going to let you talk about your theme make it awkward what?
Speaker 2:does that?
Speaker 1:really mean to you.
Speaker 2:Well, two things I think that I really appreciate about awkwardness. The first is there was a study done not too long ago with moms and it found that 93% of moms said that it was very important to them to be the perfect mom, which I thought that is so interesting, because how many of us like hanging out with perfect people Like I really don't.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about that, Mandy. 93% of moms feel like we need to be a perfect mom. Yep Wow.
Speaker 2:And yet I don't like hanging out with perfect people. I don't know about you, they're not my favorite. I like people who are real and honest and messy, and so it's like we're trying to be something that we don't even enjoy in other people, which is really interesting. And what I've learned over the years of parenting is my kids don't need a perfect mom. They need a mom who loves them tremendously, who can apologize when she messes up, who models to them. You know what it's like to be a real person in the real world, but they don't need a perfect mom.
Speaker 2:And second, what I love about this idea of awkwardness is that when we show up and choose to be awkward, in whatever capacity that is, it frees other people to be awkward as well. So an example of this is I grew up with a dad who never once told me he loved me not once, and it wasn't a big deal when I was little. But then, as I got older, I started to realize wait a second. My mom tells me that she loves me and my friend's dads tell them that they love them. Why doesn't my dad tell me he loves me? And so, when I was about 20, I mustered the courage to have a conversation with my dad about it, and right before I was able to talk with him he passed away suddenly, so we never got to have a conversation about it.
Speaker 2:But I asked my mom a few months after that. I was like, mom, why did dad never say that he loved me? And she said, well, his dad never told him that he loved him and so he didn't know how to do it. And it felt awkward. And the longer it went, the more awkward it got.
Speaker 2:And I'm thinking about this afterwards and I'm like you know what the first time my dad would have told me he loved me, it would have been uncomfortable. The second time my dad would have told me he loved me, it would have been awkward or weird, Maybe even the third time. But then after that he's just a dad who tells his kid that he loves them, right, and I think so often, the more we resist awkwardness, the more awkward it gets, and so the thing that we're trying to avoid actually gets bigger. And so it's just this opportunity this year to look at what are the hard conversations that I've been avoiding, what are the uncomfortable things that I think are going to be so weird or awkward but actually could be transformational if I just make the first move and when we get awkward, it just frees so many parts of our life to open up to new things that are better than we could have anticipated.
Speaker 1:I love that. One time I read that when people come into your house, it makes people more comfortable if it's a little bit messy or if it's a little bit what it would be like if they had just stopped by. Unannounced versus. I mean, haven't we all done this? We walk into someone's house a gal's having everyone over, and it is so perfect, and then you don't want to sit anywhere, or like you don't, yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, and then, in order to have people over you don't, because you feel like it's such an effort, I've got. Everything's got to be perfect. So I had my women's group over. I can remember one time and I said I did not straighten up for you guys and Mandy, the only thing was a grocery receipt on the kitchen counter. And my friend said this is well, we don't have kids at home anymore. So, okay, it's the best I could do, guys, but I also, when my kids are growing up, we didn't have any extra money and so we didn't have the newly decorated everything and it was clean, our house was clean. And I can remember thinking you know what, maybe my house makes people feel better about their house. So actually I'm providing a public service by not redecorating. I love that, but it's not the truth. You know, like you said, we like people who are messy or just themselves. That gives us permission to be ourselves. Yeah, and I'm old, so you know, you kind of get more comfortable with yourself.
Speaker 1:But we're talking about especially young moms and oh my gosh, I'm a broken record saying this but the stuff that they see on social media about what other moms are doing. I'm a new grandmother, which I will tell any stranger on the street. I have a two-month-old granddaughter who I get to babysit this afternoon. I'm so excited, oh, it's so fun, and I'm watching my daughter-in-law and, on the one hand, she's getting really good information about how to soothe a child that I never had through Instagram Reels, but on the other hand, I know she's going to see all kinds of things about milestones and accomplishments, and how hard is that? Are you seeing the impact of that with the current young moms?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I think there's just so much content coming at us all the time. And when I was newly married, I had someone tell me this and it stuck with me and I think it's applicable for all different scenarios. But she said you know, there's a ton of books out there about marriage, but there's not one book about being married to your husband. And so I think the same thing is true with motherhood, right, like there's a million books about mothering, or there's a million social posts or influencers who are giving you input about mothering, but there's not one book about mothering your kids.
Speaker 2:And you get to write that book, right, and it's gonna be nuanced for each of us and, honestly, it's nuanced for each of our kids, like raising each kid. There's not like once you nail it with one kid, you just rinse and repeat, like every kid's going to be completely different. And so, yeah, we're seeing that absolutely, and I think it's just that recognition of, hey, god is going to give you what you need for whatever season of parenting you're in at the moment. And, yes, you can consume, but don't let it be all consuming, where it becomes the focus and you get so overwhelmed that you're not parenting in freedom.
Speaker 1:Oh, mandy, that is such a good meme you can consume, but don't let it be all-consuming. That is really good to remember. I love that. Well, talking about good influences, I love your new podcast. What you talk about is what is it? Bloodline and Backbone?
Speaker 2:Yes, which I know is an odd title Everybody's like is that like a sci-fi romance or like a murder mystery podcast? But it actually really comes from two different concepts One, bloodline, recognizing that throughout scripture the bloodline of Jesus runs through his mother. And then, secondly, recognizing that motherhood takes a lot of backbone, it takes a lot of grit, it requires things from us that we didn't know were possible, and so it's this mixture of holiness and sacredness, along with resilience, grit and the unexpected. And so that's where the title came from and what I love about this podcast and it's a huge team effort, but it's well-researched. It looks throughout history at different trends and things that have happened that have brought us to this cultural moment, and it's a completely new and different take on motherhood, apart from kind of the overplayed tropes around motherhood that are outdated and really aren't accurate, and so it's just this refreshing look at the influence and power of what it means to be a mom.
Speaker 1:Well, tell me more about that, like what would you say currently? What are the biggest challenges or the most significant trend that you're seeing in motherhood?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, this is a small one and this isn't something that we talk about on the podcast, but one really interesting thing is just this redefining of what success looks like, and this isn't our motherhood, this isn't our work life, this isn't our friendship.
Speaker 2:So, you know, if you post a picture on social media and you get 20 likes, you're like that totally flopped, like that was a huge mess. If you were walking throughout the day this next 24 hours and you had 20 people compliment you on the outfit that you were wearing, you would be like this is a phenomenal day, like I killed it, I look amazing, my outfit's on point, and so we just have this really skewed concept of what success looks like. Right, and so that's what we're trying to redefine is help calibrate what our metrics are and how we evaluate if we're winning or losing throughout the day as a mom, in the workplace, in our friendships, in our friendships and our marriages, and so I think it's an opportunity for all of us, especially moms, to kind of look at our lives and go, oh, I'm actually doing a really good job in this area, but maybe because it doesn't look like what social media tells us it needs to look, like it feels like I'm not, but I'm actually really killing it. I love that. I'm actually really killing it.
Speaker 1:I love that. I'm actually really killing it. I appreciate what you said in the very beginning is that our kids don't want us to be perfect moms. My sons are grown. I have two sons One is 29 and one is 32. And I still can catch myself regretting losing my temper too much when they were little.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I hate that.
Speaker 2:Same. I have a couple of stories that are so fresh and they happened years ago but I could recite them like they happened the other day. But what I appreciate and along the lines of not being a perfect mom, the times that I messed up or did something weird or whatever those are the stories that my kids still tell now and laugh about like they think they're hilarious, they joke about them, and so just our worst parenting moments don't have to define us like and I think sometimes we think, though all this is done, I just messed up my kid totally. Well, now my kids think it's hilarious and they they're going to tell their kids about it. So I think even our worst moments don't have to define us in ways that we sometimes project on them.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think you just said it in the beginning if our kids really know we love them. I'll be honest about I don't know. A couple months ago, I apologized to my 32 year old son for, you know, when he was young maybe losing my temper. You know what he said when he was young, maybe losing my temper. You know what he said, mom. I have a lot of really hard memories from my childhood, really hurtful things, but none of them had to do with you and dad.
Speaker 2:Oh wow.
Speaker 1:They were all about things that happened at school or other kids, which is also heartbreaking, because don't we want to protect our kids from all that? Boy? Did we try? We really tried. But then I turn and I look at my 32-year-old son and I say he is so kind and so compassionate and so others-focused. Would he have been like that if he hadn't gone through some hard times as a kid? You know, I didn't do that. I couldn't prevent the bullying, I couldn't prevent the things that I learned about much later, but he did survive them right. And maybe, mandy, when they can come back home to where their imperfect parents still they know they're loved, maybe that's what they need to be able to go out and face the world again.
Speaker 2:I love that. That's so great. Did you apologize when they were little or did it take some perspective to look back and go? Oh, that might be something that I need to say. I'm sorry for Like. What did that look like for you?
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure I always apologized, when you know if I did get mad and then later I would apologize, but the you know, I don't know what was. Maybe you know other moms were getting mad too. I don't know. You know, it's just because that's not what we're seeing. We're seeing people's what my son says. You know, we all look at our own blooper reels but we look at everyone else's highlight reel. We're all human.
Speaker 1:I had a young adult not my child, I'm not going to say who tell me a story about her mom kind of losing her temper at one point. I'm just going to be honest. I appreciated hearing that. I was like she turned out to be a really wonderful young woman. It didn't ruin her, she was just telling the story like matter of fact. I think there's the verse in the Bible I hold on to. I think it's in 1 Peter. It's. You know, love covers a multitude of sins, you know, and I think when it as moms and, by the way, don't think that just because your kid turns 18, you're done being a mom. We're moms forever we just have to learn how to be the mom who allows our kids to be adults and be. I heard a great quote I loved no 14-year-old needs their parent to be their friend and no 40-year-old needs their parent to be their parent.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1:That's really good. So you know I'm thankful I told you my son, who called and asked me to babysit. Have I mentioned that yet, dad, I would say we're friends. I would say with our sons we're friends. So maybe that's how do you measure success. If our adult kids still want to be in communication with us, that to me is the bar. I don't care what their careers are, as long as they're happy in their careers, I certainly don't care how much money they make. I don't measure my success as a mother with their worldly success, but I do measure it by when they call and want to have a conversation on the phone. That, to me, is that's the best. So yeah, do you see for your mom co-groups, what's the top age of kids for mothers to be involved? Is it all young children?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we have moms who have kids in college, so it goes all the way through. And then we have mentors in all of our groups whose kids are a little bit older and who can provide perspective and insight for the younger moms who are like I need someone who is a little farther along to give me some perspective here. So it really runs the gamut, which is really beautiful, because we all have things that we can learn from each other, so it's multi-generational for sure.
Speaker 1:I love that. Well, I am watching the clock because she's CEO. I can't be just taking all her time. I don't want to end this without asking you to tell us more about your conference that's coming up. I went last year. It is so great. If I was a mom and I could have gone to one of those, I would have loved it. So tell us about your conference where it is, when it is and some of the amazing speakers you have coming.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's going to be great. We're going to be in Orlando this year. It's September 25th through the 27th and you can just go to momconco to get more information. But we have Faith Theory Show. Pat Barrett's coming to do a concert, joshua Broom, keri Scott-Garcia, artie Segura from the Food Network, tons of speakers. It's going to be incredible and it's just a great weekend away to have fun, to confront some of the places that we feel stuck in our lives, to have an encounter with Jesus and to feel like you can take a breath and come home refreshed.
Speaker 1:That was fun, great music. I also saw Ellie Holcomb, yes, on the list, and Mark Batterson, correct, yeah. So I mean an amazing list of speakers, great music, a lot of fun, really upbeat. Sounds like a beautiful location. If you can get someone to watch those kids of yours and let you go, well worth your time. I just think those moms probably left that conference feeling really loved and inspired and supported. Lots of good. I heard you speak. I mean you want to hear, oh, mandy. We haven't talked about your other podcast, the Mandy Show.
Speaker 2:When is that coming Yep that launches in September right after MomCon, and it really comes out of this idea of I love listening to podcasts in the morning, but when everybody in my house is getting ready, a lot of the podcasts. I love listening to podcasts in the morning, but when everybody in my house is getting ready, a lot of the podcasts I like listening to aren't things that I want in my home to start our day, and so this is just a fun, high energy funny. We talk about really cool, interesting topics that moms are talking about from a different angle and it's just a great way to start your day.
Speaker 1:I love it. And that's starting. I guess it sounds like end of September, early.
Speaker 2:October.
Speaker 1:Correct End of September. Okay, well, I just want to thank you so much for your time. How can people? You're also a speaker, so you speak all around the world. If people want to engage you as a speaker at their organization or their conference, how do they reach you?
Speaker 2:You can just DM me on Instagram. That's the best way to get a hold of me.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, and I'm going to have it in the show notes, but the links to sign up for the conference, the links to find a group. And if perhaps you're listening to this podcast and you are my age and you have someone in your family who's a young mom, I would really encourage them to look at this organization and connect with other moms, because I think there's really my own personal experience there is nothing better than being in a really good group of other women who you connect with. And it sounds like you've got it right your theme. Make it awkward your theme let's not be perfect. Your theme of let's support each other. Who wouldn't want to be in a group like that? I would have loved it. So do any of your groups provide childcare or how does that work?
Speaker 2:Yeah, a lot of our groups do. You can check them out online and they'll tell you if they provide childcare or not, what times they meet. We have groups that meet at night, if you are working during the day or on the weekend, so there's all different kinds of groups to meet every need.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's great. Well, thanks so much, and I wish you the best of luck at the conference. Thank you.
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