Why Adult Friendships Can Be Hard—and How to Build Ones That Last

We sit down with Bailey T. Hurley to get honest about why adult female friendships feel so complicated and how to build the kind of connection that actually lasts. We talk practical questions, realistic expectations, and faith-driven ways to stop chasing approval and start showing up with courage.

• why time gets scarce in adulthood and how to use it well 
• the “cost” of meaningful friendship and what we have to give up 
• simple questions that move a relationship past small talk 
• replacing outdated friendship expectations with a new definition 
• handling rejection and lack of reciprocity without spiraling 
• initiating without keeping score and knowing when to redirect energy 
• having honest conversations that create clarity and closure 
• easy friend-date ideas that do not require hosting perfection 
• Bailey’s new Friendship Devotional and what it is designed to do 
If you would like a chance to win a free copy of Bailey's new book, you can send an email to me on my website, stephanienelson.com, sign up for the newsletter, and you'll be entered to win.

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Friendship Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:24

I would like to welcome Bailey T. Hurley to the Pivotal People Podcast. I have to tell you the story. I am fascinated by the topic of adult female friendships. A whole bunch of stuff to discuss there, like true adult, especially faith-based friendships. And so I was looking for a book on the topic because I really wanted to have a guest on the podcast to discuss this. And I found Bailey's book, and this was over a year ago. And her book, which came out four years ago, is called Together is a Beautiful Place, finding, keeping, and loving our friends. And so some of my friends listened to this podcast. So I thought this would be fun for us all to hear and then talk about. And so I read the book, of course, it's fabulous. And I reached out to this woman, just the author, and said, Would you come on the podcast? And she said, Yes. And then I found out we live in the same city. How funny is that? So she doesn't realize it, but she is going to become a new friend. Yes. Welcome to the podcast, Bailey. I appreciate you being here.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Thanks, Stephanie. I really enjoy chatting with other new people and also about friendships. So I'm looking forward to talking today.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

And what I also appreciate are intergenerational friendships and what we can learn from each other. And so in this conversation, I mention my age all the time. I don't know why I do that, but I'm 62. So I've had a few decades of friendship experience. And I've seen, as many of us have, different phases in our life and different types of friendships for different phases in our lives. Bailey, my understanding is you're a wife and a mother. Yes. And so, and you went to school. Tell us a little bit about who you are, who you do life with, where you are in your life right now.

Why Adult Friendships Get Hard

SPEAKER_00 2:18

Yes. I do live in Denver. So Stephanie and I are really close. And I've been married to my husband for 11 years. And we met out here in Denver at the church we still attend and serve. I was working at our church leading the adult small group ministry for a couple of years, and I just stepped down as my three kids are getting older. Their schedules are becoming a little more demanding. It's so, I mean, you know, Stephanie, but I just, you know, everyone talks about how like you leave that baby toddler stage, which is also a very demanding schedule to walk into like a demanding schedule of just their sports and their social things. And so my kids are fourth grade, kindergarten, preschool. And so we're kind of getting to live in all the different spaces, but it's been so fun. I feel like kid friendship is a whole different conversation, but it's been also interesting to help them kind of navigate their adolescent friendships as well. But I'd written a book back in 2022 called Together is a Beautiful Place. And it was, it was like a little more how to walk through those transitions of whether you moved to a new place. You're in a new, maybe you changed jobs, maybe you changed churches, maybe your kids moved out of the house, maybe your friend group moved away. You know, there's a lot of, I think, transitions in friendship that people find themselves really surprised by. Yeah, I think there's two things we could pinpoint. The first one is I think it's no surprise. It's time. Like time, obviously, you know, when you become an adult, you have to have a job or something that's similar to that, or you are raising a family, or you're investing in a spouse. There's just a little more, there's more things to tend to than when you are maybe a student in college or even a high school and middle school. Really, your whole day is packed in with being with other friends in a classroom setting at recess, at lunch, or living in your dorm, or walking to the same sport together. There's a lot of built-in time. And so, of course, now as adults, we're really fighting to create that capacity and those margins for us to spend time together. It's interesting, though, that I think when we hear the amount of time of being like, oh, okay, like I can't believe Jeff, and I can't believe I'm thinking it's Jeff Hall, I'm pretty sure is his last name. He's a sociologist at KU who studied this. And he said it's 90 hours of social time to really feel like you're connected with someone you've just met, which is so I think overwhelming as an adult. But he later went back and was studying more and he found out it really like the amount of time helps, but how you use the time you have is really what will like light a fire to help that friendship exponentially get closer knit or more connected with maybe the little amount of time that you have. So if you have an hour a week, like you're gonna want to spend it with the same group of people. You're gonna want to ask really good questions so that your time is much more in-depth than maybe those surface level conversations that you might have five minutes a day at pickup. You know, you might see the same woman every single day and you say, Oh, the weather's so nice, and what'd you do this morning? And, you know, those types of conversations. That's gonna be a really slow, slow process to like progress that relationship. But if you are sitting down or going on a walk with someone for 45 minutes a week and you're really asking questions about family dynamics, about the health of their marriage, about a book that they're reading, and why was that so maybe not only meaningful for them, but like why did that challenge them? Why didn't they like it? I think about these women I do, my daughter does gymnastics, and so we're together for an hour at once a week. And we've just like really struck up a friendship because I said, Do you guys want to read books together? Like we're already here, let's turn it into a book club and to hear their differing opinions. We all have different faith backgrounds, and so I feel, yeah, I feel like that's maybe an example of what it looks like to have those like deeper conversations and how to kind of like enter into them. And so, yeah, I think that's really important. The second thing, it's shorter, I promise, is I think that everyone says they want meaningful friendship, but they don't like the cost that comes with it. And so they look at it and they're like, oh, I don't actually really want to give up my yoga time on Saturday to go to my friend's birthday, or like I don't really want to, like maybe, you know, you get into a little cycle of like, I'm home with my kids every night. That's what I do. I can't give up one of those nights to again join a run club or, you know, attend the mahjong night or go to Bible study. And what I think is so interesting is I mean, those things make you better and everything else. Like, I mean, the studies are out there. You'll be a better wife, a better mom, a better coworker when you spend time with people that are, you know, meaningful relationships. So I do think people look at the cost of what it takes and they're just like, oops, I guess I'm I'm actually not gonna do that.

Going Deeper With Better Questions

SPEAKER_01 9:41

I had this conversation with a friend yesterday about how it's so easy to be comfortable in our routine. Whether you're busy or not, I'm retired and it's all optional busy. But it's very easy to get comfortable in your routine. And if you go on too long, sometimes you notice a general feeling of malaise, and you're like, okay, you know what? I haven't made the proactive effort to connect with anyone. But if I make the proactive effort, set up lunch with this gal, set up a walk with that gal, I always am uplifted. After a soul filling, I call them like a soul filling time with a friend. What I hear you saying, Bailey, is that the difference between if we want to really connect with people, the difference between having kind of surface conversation that is safe, you don't have to be vulnerable with that. So surface conversation maybe talking about things or events or versus a little bit of human connection by going a little bit deeper. And you don't always have to. I mean, Bob Goff, the author I love, he he will say, You want to go deep, but you don't go too fast. It's like scuba diving. If you go too fast to get the bins, yeah, you you kind of go gradually. I read this from David Brooks, who wrote the wonderful book, How to Know a Person. And he said, Ask the question, instead of saying, like, what do you do? What do you do? If you ask me what I do, I'll tell you I'm retired. But if you say to someone, what do you like to do? Wow, is that a different answer? What do you like to do? Someone all of a sudden is telling you about some great volunteer program they're doing reading to low-income children where English is the second language. All of a sudden they light up because they're telling you about something they really like to do. So I use this question all the time. And it's like a treasure hunt. Like, what is that person comfortable telling me about? Because I didn't ask a probing question. They get to answer however they want. And the other one I'm gonna share with you because I this is a new discovery was asking the question. I got together with a girlfriend. I don't see her very often. I've got an hour of breakfast with her. We could have talked about vacation plans, we could have talked about redecorating. I don't know what people talk about. We could have just kept a pretty surface. And like, I only have an hour with her. So I asked her the question what is it that's spinning around in your mind the most right now? Because we all have something. What is it that you're thinking the most about? And you know what, Bailey? Tears filled her eyes, and she shared with me really important stuff, and it was like the most soul-filling hour. What she was telling me was how I could be a friend to her. I can be a friend to her by knowing what is most important, and she's on my prayer list and staying in touch with her. Now that hour could have so easily, she was not gonna divulge that stuff. Yeah. And if I had said, tell me what's you know, anyway. So yeah, I love her book because I did not now I'm doing too much talking because you talk about some really practical. Let me tell you this idea she had, which I love so much. You talked about suggesting reading books with the women you're sitting around with, which I love because you have just progressed from talking about stuff to talking about ideas. Yes, right. Absolutely. And you're learning your friend's perspective because, as you said, people have different faith backgrounds. You had an idea in your book. Well, people are busy. Maybe they don't read books, maybe they don't want to do book club. What if you called it a podcast group? Like all people had to do before you got together was listen to a half-hour podcast. Yes. Now you all have something to talk about and forget about cooking. I love this. Bailey says, order pizza. We just want to get together.

unknown 13:35

Yeah.

Resetting Expectations For Adult Friends

SPEAKER_01 13:35

We're not trying to impress people with our homes or trying to give a comfortable place for connection. So, with all of that, share with us some of the challenges that you've seen people have with adult friendships. Yes. Beyond just time, but let's talk a little bit. You talk about things like when friendships fall apart or when friendship isn't reciprocated. These are real things that we've all dealt with. I'd love to hear you share what you have seen helps in these situations.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

I think another challenge is I think women are still trying to do friendships the way they did it 10, 15, 20 years ago. And they're different people now. And the way that they have defined friendship for themselves, like it's it's an outdated definition. And so I think when you're entering into adult friendships, you're picturing it like the pinnacle of your friend time. And I, for me, like I can I can place that my senior year of high school, I had a large friend group. It was like guys and girls. We did so many fun things. We were with each other all the time. I felt so like known and loved and supported. It was a magical time. And I all the time, I'm like, Lord, thank you for just like this gift of like a really strong community. And so I think when I went to college, when I graduated from college, I was trying to chase that experience instead of kind of looking at my new context, who I was five, seven years later, and being able to redefine what I'm looking for in a friend. And so I think sometimes our parameters are just off. We might be trying to chase something that really like can't be recreated. And so I think sitting down and asking yourself, what am I as a friend? Like, what do I have to offer? What are my real limitations? Like you might say, I want to be the kind of friend who brings dinner to every single new mom in the neighborhood. And then if you're anything like me, like I hate cooking, I really am bad. Like, I just don't have the time to do that for every person. So, you know, you're like, okay, that's actually not the kind of friend that I am. So who are you? And I think one of the things I have this like work guide that women can walk through. And one of the questions I ask is like, pick five friends from five different seasons of your life. What did you love about them? Then circle the things that are common. So if you wrote down that you really liked loyalty in three of these friends, okay, maybe then that's a real friendship quality you are after. And so, even just like as a practical tool, if you're thinking, like, where do I start? Yeah, think of five different friends that were really meaningful for you in different seasons and write down what it was. Like, why was that such a meaningful relationship? And then look for the patterns and being like, oh, I think I really tend to find friends that are like this. And so I think, yeah, just a really big challenge is say of walking into situations thinking it'll be like this when really like the reality is not that anymore. And so that's I think even I once heard loneliness even defined as like the disparity between your expectations and reality. And so that's why when you walk into an event thinking like 10 new people are gonna rush up to you and ask you to sit by them and they want to chat, and you know, everyone's looking for a friend, so they're gonna be hungry for conversation, but instead you walk into that same event with all these people and like no one really did that, and you have to start the conversations and you have to find a seat by yourself and you're feeling weird, like that's when you're like, I feel lonely in this moment. Like my expectations for this social situation were not met. And I think it's the same for the whole landscape of friendship of saying, wow, this was a lot more than I thought. Managing these adult relationships is like not as cozy as I thought it would be. So I think that that's a real big hurdle for women of all ages. And maybe sometimes it just takes someone saying, like, that's it's okay to start again or it's okay to redefine what you've done before doesn't mean that you did it wrong or that it's bad or that you're bad at friendship. Just means you're different. You've changed and the things around you and the people around you have changed too. So it's okay to change how you're pursuing friendship and what you're looking for.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

You know, if we could all say this, if I could go back to my younger self and tell her, you know, my my 35-year-old self walking into a new neighborhood and a new situation, and the women aren't talking to me at the bus stop, and I'm taking that personally. Now I could go back to that young girl, one young woman now to me, and say, you know what? They are just talking to each other. They're not even thinking about you, they haven't rejected you, they don't even know you yet. You know what? Look around. Is there another person who isn't being talked to? Go talk to her, you know, make her feel good. So you get outside of this self-focus, which is what do they think about me? Come on, after a while, you're like, hey, I am a good friend. I have been a friend to many people in my life. But everybody else also has different needs for friendship. So now I say things in my head like, Lord, please help me be a good friend to her. Like, what is it she needs right now?

SPEAKER_00 19:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

In your book, you talk about it's not just about social life, it's about genuine connection. So instead of taking it personally, you have a whole beautiful page describing who is it that God says you are? You're created in the image of God. God loves you, God has a plan for you, God has gifted you with certain gifts or talents, abilities. How can you use those to be a friend to someone who needs a friend? And all of a sudden, I do this now in my life. When you are a friend to someone else and you're thinking about that, you don't even have the brain space to think, wait, how come no one's coming up and talking to me? You don't even notice that because you're looking around saying, Who can I be friend? Yes, who is the new woman in the neighborhood? Who can can I go talk to her? No one is talking to her. Yeah. And why not? Because we're just thinking about talking to who we already know. And it is amazing. The more we take our eyes off ourselves, the more we forget ourselves and think about other people, the happier we are.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

Yeah, I know. Friendship is really theology and practice. Like what you think about God is is how you will show up as a friend. And if you know that God is love and he loves you, like you're gonna show up a lot differently in your friendships than maybe not knowing that at all and being like, I really need to find like I need really need to find love, and I need my friends to define like my value. And when they make mistakes or let you down, or the friendship breaks up, or they yeah, like they, I mean, all our friends will will fail us in some way if you're dependent on them to like define who you are. Like, of course it's gonna, that's gonna really, really hurt. And so, yes, I do think that you're right. The friendship is really like yeah, your theology and practice, such a practical thing. I don't know. I love it. I think sometimes in faith, you know, it can stay up here in our headspace, and friendship is very much the hands and feet of what you believe and think about yourself.

Rejection, Reciprocity, And Not Chasing

SPEAKER_01 21:03

I always talk on the podcast, I always discuss these things with my husband before the podcast and reading this book. You talk a lot about the reality of you know, rejection by people. And I mean, I lived across the street from a woman for 18 years, and I tried so hard to be her friend. I know she's not listening to my podcast, so I can talk about this. And the fact was, she just never liked me. And you know what? I've got some qualities that I can understand why she wouldn't like me. We just didn't click, she wasn't what I was looking for, and I again I wish about like three months in I could have recognized that and said, don't worry about it. Be nice, be polite. There's no reason to dislike her. You just aren't her type. Okay. But I drove myself crazy for a number of years trying to get her to like me, you know.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

I do know. I do. I think in the book I said, like, don't chase after the people God hasn't assigned to you. But that's an easier said than done because I do it too. I mean, I've had to have my own like heart to heart with trusted friends after I've really pursued someone and it didn't work. And I'm always like, what's wrong with me? And like, what why isn't that happening? So, like, it's a it's a life learned lesson that I'm just still, even though, yeah, I I can know it in my head. I like then try to over what's the word I'm looking for? Like over serve. I'm like, no, no. I'll get her to like me. I'll do this, this, and this. And then like she'll want to be my friend. And it doesn't work. That's the that's the thing that you would say to your younger self. It doesn't work. There's nothing you can do to make someone be your flavor of friendship. And so you're right. Like, if only we would have known a few months in to say, oh, that just this isn't the right place to be looking. And that's totally okay because I promise there is someone that is looking for your kind of friendship. So as scary as that can be, I know many women who've been who've been initiating, searching, and showing up for months and months and months. And they're like, why am I still really struggling to receive an invitation into anything? A walk, a coffee, an exchange phone number, a follow-up. And, you know, really in that those situations, I'm like, I you just have to keep being patient and keep trying. And I'm like, I know that's so hard to walk through maybe that continued rejection or even just like felt of lack of reciprocity. Like I'm kidding. Reciprocalness? Right. Um reciprocity. Reciprocity. That I'm just like, I know that's so hard. That's you know, come back to the Lord. Like that's how you're going to get how you're going to sustain the ability to be the type of friend that cares and is thoughtful and is intentional and you know, really does pursue people well. You can't do it off your own strength or your own courage, because I'm like, it takes a lot of courage, and I really need the Lord to help me be brave and put myself out there again and again.

SPEAKER_01 24:05

And that's where I go back to your list of reminders of, you know, there's a so many different places in the Bible where it's described who we are, you know. But bottom line is that not everyone will see things the way we see them. So another thing I've learned is that you talked about reciprocity. And like, let's suppose I texted a friend and asked her to go for a walk and we went for a walk. And I expect that she wants to walk with me every week and she never texts back. Well, oh my gosh, she must not like me. Well, I heard a podcast last year from a woman who is like in her late 80s, and her key to happiness, she said, is always initiate, never keep score, do not worry about if you're always the one who initiates. We can all tell if someone doesn't really want to do something with us, and you can drop it. But if you initiate and you ask a friend to walk or lunch or whatever, and they always say yes, just keep initiating, you know. And I think to some degree, there are people who expect us to be the initiators because we always are, and that's okay. But when we keep score, all we're doing is stealing from ourselves. We're stealing the opportunity. Our friend, for whatever reason, she she didn't hear the podcast about always initiate, but that's okay. So I try to encourage people to say, you know, just reach out, just reach out, just reach out, just reach out. We can all tell when someone doesn't want to spend time with us. Well, then we move on because there's only like how many billions of people are in the world. There's somebody else. So we can direct our energy somewhere else, and we can also look at intergenerational friendships. I've started in the past year initiating more one-on-one get-togethers with each of my nieces and nephews who are in their 20s. And then I have neighbors who are, you know, 85 and older and getting together with them. And I am just amazed at how much I have learned from both age groups that is different than my own age group.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

It really opens up your world, especially if you're my age. Get together with people in their 20s, one-on-one. You would not believe how much they have to teach us. Yeah, it's amazing. So now, and you might have your own kids. I have my own sons who are in their 20s, they have girlfriends and wives. I get together with each of them individually, and it's kind of opened up my world to a perspective I never would have had had I not been one-on-one with people in their 20s.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

Yeah. So and I think the people in their 20s appreciate when people who are in a different season like do initiate with them. So kind of always goes back to that like. And I paid for lunch. So they go, There you go. That's a bonus. But yeah, I think it kind of goes back to that, like, oh, they're probably too busy. They probably don't want to spend time with me. And it's like, oh my, just ask. They probably do. And everyone wants to be asked. So I think that's great.

Honest Talks And Healthy Closure

SPEAKER_01 27:05

I think so. And Bailey, you all also talked a lot. And I will tell you, I'm a big chicken compared to you. You were really good about having honest conversations with people. Whereas I am really good at sweeping things under the rug. Some of your examples, honestly, I can't imagine. So can you share with us the value of having honest and give us some examples?

SPEAKER_00 27:31

Yes. I mean, I will say I have learned from other friends who've done it to me. So I'm like, I don't know if I can take full credit for courage, but because I've been a part of conversations, for example, my husband, when we got married, he had this couple in a small group that he was really close to. And so we spent a lot of time together, but we eventually like we live in different parts of the city. We had our different small groups. And I had her come over to hang out with me. And while we were there, she was just kind of like, I see us in different stages. We're in different, you know, we don't even live close to each other. So I'm like, she's just I kind of said, I'm ready to like kind of bless and release this friendship. You know, we don't need to like continue to try to make it work anymore. And it's funny because we weren't, there's nothing wrong. But when she said it, I was like, oh my gosh, like that was so freeing to me because it this was work. Like trying to maintain a friendship with her was a lot of effort when we had our own communities to take care of. But I think there's always that question of like, oh, I I didn't keep up with that friendship. And I really appreciated that she just came out and said, like, you don't need to anymore. And I was like, okay, that's actually really great. Like, love you too. And like we'll still see each other at church. But yeah, I mean, this is this is really like a great, great ending, I guess, if that makes sense. And so, in in just experiencing other friends, I think like confront me or just not waste any time to say, like, hey, we had a weird moment today in our conversation. Did I offend you? Did I say something that you know caused tension? If not, great. But if I did, like kind of can we talk through it? Um, having people like do that to me, I'm like, okay, how can I do that for others? Because I've also been on the receiving end where I've tried to talk with someone and they like it's done. It's over, you know, they disappear. You never get to have the conversation, and it's so hurtful and painful. And so I think really when you think about how would you want someone to treat you in that situation, you probably would want a conversation and you would want closure. And so that's really my motivation for trying to work through something with a friend that might be like, yeah, weird, or I really did sense that I said something that was it was unkind. And then I've even had moments that I've had conversations ending friendships too. And those are not great, but it brings clarity to both people. And I do think clarity is care. I think of a really good one is one of our neighbors. She's still our neighbors. We just, our kids were going on to different schools. We had had them at the same preschool and we did carpool. I like adore this person so much. And at the same time, I was like, I already kind of foresee that we probably like won't continue the friendship at the level that it's at today, at you know, at it at as it was at the moment. And so I asked her if I could take her out for breakfast after we dropped our kids off and we like got champagne, and I wrote her just this really sweet thank you card for just all these years of support and you know, mothering in that early stages of of our kids and just everything I was so grateful for. And it was just kind of this closure of like the season was amazing. Like, thank you for everything. I'm sad that it's over, but I'm so excited for your kids to be at a new school. And you know, it's kind of like when I I hope I hope we get to connect every now and then. We've done it like one time last two years. So even though she lives a block away. And so I think just like there can be positives to ending something or ending a friendship, and I think creating space where you aren't awkwardly like, Am I are we still friends? Am I still trying to manage that? Am I still making time for that? But I've kind of got some other stuff over here. I think it's a lot more beautiful to recognize what the friendship was and then release them to also go find and connect with them.

SPEAKER_01 31:14

So nice, Bailey. That is just a really nice, even if a friendship wasn't necessarily ending, just that season, that time together, just letting her know how much you value that. That's a really nice thing to keep in mind. I can already think of examples of how I could have done that and still could.

SPEAKER_00 31:32

Yeah, yeah. And I think that it was, and I hope that it was we again, because I wasn't like we won't be friends anymore because our kids are different schools and we're busy with different things, you know. It wasn't like that, but she I felt like she got it and it ended in love, and there's no hard feelings, and we both were moving on, if that makes sense. And I don't feel weird if I had to call her, like she texted me because she wanted to borrow a book from me, and I'm like, oh, of course, I'll walk it over. Like, I think you leave the door open for these connection moments versus like letting the friendship die, and you never said anything, and then now you're like, well, I can't text her eight months later because I never really like got together with her again. So I just think that right, it doesn't always have to be a negative, like, I think it can also be a positive release of being like, I see it, I recognize what's happening here. Let's like just kind of like name it and like celebrate where we've been.

The Friendship Devotional And Friend Dates

SPEAKER_01 32:32

I love that. And I have to tell you, when I went on Amazon, I went again to look at your book and to read your bio, and I realized I didn't realize you have a new book coming out.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

I do. Look, I actually have it with me. I got it with me. Tell us about it. I was like, this is called the Friendship Devotional. So a very easy title. I was trying to come up with something really cutesy, and the editors were in the marketing team, we're like, no, we just want it to be Google searchable, you know. So they're like, anyone who looks up friendship devotional, it's the first thing that'll pop up. It is a 40-day devotional, and the idea is kind of again targeting adult friendship, but in the season where you are managing friendships in different stages. So you might be making new friendships at church, but you're also maintaining your 10-year long-distance friendship. That's like amazing and wonderful. And then you might also be saying goodbye to a friend, like all in the span of a week, you know. Like I think there's just a lot of ups and downs on days where you're like, I feel so connected. And the next day you wake up and no one ever texted you back in the group text, and you're like, well, I feel kind of disappointed in my friendships. So, like plants, it's got a lot of plant themes. You know, some of your plants like a lot of sun, some don't like any sun, some like a lot of water, some don't want any water, or just a little bit to care for them. You are trying to be a good friend, know your friends. How are you investing in different ways? But you'll need that encouragement in those different seasons. So, like a devotional, you know, there's scripture, there's a little essay, and then some prayers at the end. And then, of course, there's fun friend dates that I have not shared yet anywhere. So I'm kind of excited for people to have some fresh friend dates to try that I personally am really like I'm excited about them. I was sharing with some friends over the weekend, and as I was doing it, I'm like, when can I plan more of these? So I'm really looking forward to it. June 9th is when it comes out. So we're just a few months away.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

June 9th. Well, I have a fun friend date this week. I thought this was funny. Called a text my girlfriend who I hadn't seen for a while. Do you want to go for a walk? Well, that didn't work out because of a couple things, but she said, you know what I really need? Could you pick me up from the tire store? Because I have to drop my car off at the tire store. That and I had just said to you, Bailey, like, how can I be a friend to people? And I said, Okay, but I'm really bad at shopping by myself. How about if I pick you up from the tire store and then we go to TJ Maxx? And she said, Deal. So that's how you know a friend date can be find something fun to do. It just doesn't have to be sitting across the table from each other at lunch.

SPEAKER_00 35:12

Absolutely. And it doesn't have to be a big banquet that you planned with fancy dishes and cool candles and all of those things, too.

Being Bold And Building Traditions

SPEAKER_01 35:21

All kinds of things. But you know, I think we'd all agree that even if it takes effort, you're always lifted up after you've spent time with like a good friend connection. Umusins who I only see at weddings and funerals of our extended family. They're in different cities. And about a year ago, I saw them a year and a half ago, I saw them at my nephew's wedding. And I just decided I'm gonna be bold. I hadn't read your book yet, but I thought I went up to them and I said, you know what? Honestly, they are two of my favorite people. And yet I only see them at weddings and funerals. How are we gonna fix this? And we just quickly, just like that, we came up with this idea. Let's do a girls' weekend together. And we ended up, we're doing our fourth girls' weekend in a year and a half this coming weekend at my house. I'm calling it Stephanie's Spa weekend. And what we're doing is hanging around and talking, and we're gonna go get massages and facials and stuff like that. But I have to tell you, I have known them my whole life. They're my cousins, and yet the three girls' weekends we have had, I know them exponentially better because of just setting aside a couple of days, and it is so much fun. So I tell people who is it that you really value? Go ahead and be corny, go ahead and tell them. Go ahead and say, What are we gonna do about this? I have two college friends. We did that 10 years ago. We said, What are we gonna do? And same thing. You see them once a year to think, you know, putting yourself out there, you'd be amazed at how people are, you know, except for the gal who lived across the street from me, they generally do like an invitation. And I think we have to have a sense of humor for the people who don't. Okay, like I can actually laugh about that. And if any of my friends are listening, they know exactly who it is. So I hope they're laughing too. Um yeah, because there's plenty of people out there who, and your your whole book is it's about being a friend. It's let's take the focus off why doesn't anyone want to be friends with me? Let's turn it around and say who needs a friend, because that is what putting our faith in action is all about anyway.

Where To Find Bailey And Book Giveaway

SPEAKER_00 37:40

Yeah, absolutely. And I do think a lot of us, you know, we never had like a class in school, like friendship 101. And so, you know, if you're doing the work and the research and the reading and the studying and reflecting, like you might be, you know, advancing your friendship skills than maybe some of your other friends. And so instead of seeing everyone else is like not caught up, you can just be like, man, how can I like pour out in love and continue to model friendship a different way than what it's been done before? And so even I, yeah, I feel that way sometimes too, where I'll give grace because I'm like, who who can say? We're all learning, you know, how to do this together. And so I can have grace for someone who doesn't value like texting back, you know, and you're like, that seems obvious, but you're like, you know what? Maybe it's not to someone else. And so there can be a lot of grace and friendship.

SPEAKER_01 38:36

Yep. So tell us how can people get in touch with you? I'll put this in the show notes, but people don't always go to the show notes. So how can they find you?

SPEAKER_00 38:44

Yes, I have a website. It's I feel like again, I've been kind of in a in a full season, so I'm looking forward to some more website updates. But yes, there's a ton of articles on there about so many different things for friendship. There's free downloads and things like that. And so baileythurly.com. It's really easy to find. And then like regularly I keep up is my Instagram. So, and it's bailey.t.hurly. And that's kind of where I'm doing kind of, you know, day-to-day stuff. I love reading books, so I do love sharing about books, fiction, nonfiction. And I'll then also just share about what it looks like being, I don't know, a mom of three and trying to live day to day with also keeping friends in mind. Like, what does it look like to manage life and then also manage a, yeah, I think just a robust friend calendar and giving out as many ideas as I can. I really just want to keep generating ideas for people so that it can be very practical. I like to call my writing very Pinterest-esque. Like I want people or I my social media very Pinterest esque. And like I want them to see the picture only to go and like do the thing. I don't want them to just stay there, not do anything. I hopefully it's like inspiring you to like go do the craft or go call your friend or to go set up that friend date or to follow up with someone. That's really the goal.

SPEAKER_01 40:09

Well, I love that. I'm gonna go on Instagram right after this and start following you. And a reminder, you said June 9th, the friendship devotional is coming out. Yes. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, for everyone listening, comes out June 9th. If you would like a chance to win a free copy of Bailey's new book, you can send an email to me on my website, stephanynelson.com, sign up for the newsletter, and you'll be entered to win. And I'll give away a couple of copies of that. Oh, that'd be so fun. Yeah, we'll get off to a good start. But I want to thank you so much for taking the time to come on here and I'm gonna look you up and come down to. I'm not gonna tell you exactly where she lives in Denver so that you don't get any stalkers, but I'm gonna come down and see. I would love that. I would love that.